Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: We have a story today about special needs fostering that will truly melt your heart.
[00:00:05] Speaker B: This is a bonus episode for May, which is national foster Care Month. And it's perfect for us to really focus on a very specific kind of foster care, which is special needs foster care.
[00:00:15] Speaker A: This is fostering conversations with Utah foster care, where we have insightful conversations about parenting for bio foster, adoptive, or blended families to better understand the experiences we all face as families.
Hi, I'm Deborah Lindner, and thank you so much for joining our conversation.
[00:00:41] Speaker B: And I'm Liz Rivera. I'm the director of education here at Utah Foster Care.
[00:00:45] Speaker A: If you're out there considering becoming a foster parent, who is the person you really want to hear from? And, Liz, as you and I know from years of being in the foster care community, people want to hear from the foster parents themselves.
[00:01:01] Speaker B: Absolutely. And I think as we're talking today about special needs foster care, which can maybe be even more overwhelming and daunting for people to think about taking on, it's even more important to hear from foster parents who have actually cared for children with special needs. We have two guests, and our first guest is Amy. She is a foster mom here in Utah. And we're saying specifically here in Utah because we also have a guest from New York first. Want us to start with Amy, and if you would just talk briefly about your decision to become a foster parent. Did you decide specifically to do special needs foster care, or was that just something that came along that you hadn't been planning?
[00:01:36] Speaker C: There's nothing more that I love than an opportunity to talk about my kids and my family. So thank you for having me on. I've been a foster parent for 25 years. I've been blessed to adopt eight of my ten children, and I have one currently in foster care, and we have five children who have been classified as special needs. To answer your question, Liz, I was a special education teacher in an earlier life, pre kids, and so I've always worked with children with special needs. So it's always been an interest and a passion of mine. I wasn't necessarily contacted for that particular classification, but when I was very excited about the possibilities, because I know that those children can and do bring so much joy into my life.
[00:02:16] Speaker A: And, Amy, in Utah, it's not unusual for kids to come into foster care not knowing they have special needs. DCFS doesn't know that. Is that common in some ways, when we're talking about perhaps a special need, like ADHD or autism?
[00:02:35] Speaker C: Absolutely. I think, again, it would just depend on the classification, especially with things like fetal alcohol spectrum disorder or ADHD. Those might be not known by DCFS and department of Child and Family Services when the child comes into care. However, you have the extreme that we're picking up a child from the hospital. Obviously, those medical concerns are much more known.
[00:02:56] Speaker A: I think you told me that fetal alcohol syndrome is maybe the most common. Could you just explain what that is for people that may not know out there?
[00:03:05] Speaker C: Sure. That's when a child has been exposed to alcohol in the utero, when the mother was pregnant. And so it causes a variety of struggles for the child.
[00:03:14] Speaker A: Thank you, Amy. Let's go to our second guest because it's helpful to hear what other foster parent agencies are doing across the country. Our guest is Katie Welling. She's assistant director of home finding and foster parent training at new Alternatives for children, based in New York. Welcome, Katie.
[00:03:35] Speaker D: Thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited to be here.
[00:03:39] Speaker A: Well, we're talking about special needs that runs the gamut, right?
[00:03:43] Speaker D: That does. We work with children who have every kind of specialized healthcare need that you can imagine, from very mild needs all the way to some very complex medical and behavioral health or intellectual health needs.
[00:03:59] Speaker B: Katie, I'd love to hear what the kinds of special medical needs that you guys see most often with the children in your program.
[00:04:05] Speaker D: We do see a number of children who have been exposed to alcohol or other substances in utero, and sometimes that's known to us when we receive a referral, and other times it's not. About a third of our kiddos in our program currently have a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder as well. So that's a really significant portion of the children that we work with, and they may have that diagnosis or another intellectual disability as well as some kind of medical need? Sometimes they go hand in hand. Sometimes that's just the two things that kids are dealing with, I would say, is the autism spectrum disorder is probably one of the most common diagnoses. And of course, it's a spectrum. Kids may present with so many abilities and then some things that they're working on and struggling with, too, that our families have.
[00:04:54] Speaker B: And it sounds like with your program, you are specifically recruiting families to take these kids who have special medical needs, developmental needs, whereas in Utah, we generally recruit families, generally from the population, and then they just get who they get. Of course, they can say yes or no. They don't have to take every child it's called for. But what kind of families do you see coming to your agency who are looking specifically, very intentionally at caring for special needs children?
[00:05:23] Speaker D: That's such a great question. And it's actually the thing that our founder talks about the most and why she founded our organization 40 something years ago now. And I think the primary quality of folks who are really successful at fostering children with special needs is this belief, this core belief that they have, that their children are more than their diagnosis. Their children are going to achieve things beyond what a medical professional is saying or what's written on paper about them. It is that commitment to seeing that happen is also very rewarding. Doing this work and being able to work with these incredible families that just see so much hope. It's not easy to care for somebody else, but it's even harder to parent somebody else's children, and even harder, I think, when you add the complexity and that intersectionality of foster care and any kind of medical system or, you know, all the other systems that then become involved when a child has a special need of some kind.
[00:06:21] Speaker A: And I think this fits right into Amy Bates Mantra that I've heard over the years, that, yes, these children are much more than their special needs. Amy?
[00:06:32] Speaker C: Absolutely. Some of the biggest reward that I've had from foster care is seeing that these kids go above and beyond what anyone ever expected them to do. If I could just share a little personal story. I thought it was interesting that we were recording this on this date because it's my son's birthday. He's turned 24 today, and I was told when I picked him up from the hospital that he wouldn't survive to be two. And then I've been told on multiple other occasions as we've been life flighted and spent many days in the ICU, that there was a possibility that he wasn't going to survive. And here we are at 24, and he's thriving and just doing so much better and adding so much to our lives that I can't imagine my life without him. I'm so grateful that we were able to look past any disabilities or challenges that might have been there, and he's just brought so much joy into our lives. So it's interesting that we're talking about this subject on his birthday. Kidding.
[00:07:22] Speaker B: I think, yeah, absolutely. To celebrate him and celebrate that birthday.
[00:07:26] Speaker C: Makes me feel old, but, yeah, you.
[00:07:29] Speaker B: Think you got to be so young. So I guess along with the joys, which, of course, we trust that they're there and we celebrate them. Katie talked about the intersectionality between foster care and the special needs. What are some of the challenges that come along with parenting a child? Who has maybe some very specific medical needs, developmental needs. What are some things you've seen? Amy? And then, Katie, the same question for you.
[00:07:53] Speaker C: I think accessing services can be somewhat difficult sometimes. Just knowing what the services are that they need and then finding the appropriate agencies to provide that. Also just making sure that people see beyond those challenges and see, like we already talked about, the uniqueness and the beauty that is in the child. So often we can get bogged down by the needs or the challenges that they display, and we don't take the time to just enjoy the child. I think that's one of the reasons that maybe some people are a little bit hesitant to foster and especially fostering children with special needs, because they just don't look at the child. They see all these appointments that they need to go to and all this diagnosis and all this paperwork that's extra. And they forget that underneath all of that is just a child that just wants to be loved and needs a family just like any of us. To be successful and helping people to recognize the beauty that is in there is just really important.
[00:08:48] Speaker B: I love that. Just enjoy the child. Just carve that space. Thank you. Katie, what are some of the challenges that you see?
[00:08:57] Speaker D: So in New York, certainly trying to find the right fit can be a challenge. But I think for our families, one of the things that we find can make it challenging at times is a circle of support. As big and as highly populated as New York is, sometimes people aren't as well connected. Where I grew up, I knew all my neighbors and my parents asked people for help all the time. But we find that's a big piece of feedback that we hear. But I was meeting with a family this morning, and they said we didn't realize how big our network was until our child's needs became more significant. And people have been coming and stepping out. It's more the feeling. It's hard to ask for help. And we do a lot of work with our families trying to think about their network and to think about who could be a helper and step in and provide additional support, whether it's helping to prepare meals or chaperone some kind of after school activity or watch other kids at home while a parent takes the child to a medical appointment or something like that. And the support piece, I think, is really critical. If you don't have a strong network of support, it can be challenging.
[00:10:01] Speaker A: And, Amy, what would you tell people like the family and friends of a foster parent? How can they show support?
[00:10:10] Speaker C: I think maybe in our smaller areas, we don't have a lot of the government programs that can help the children, but I feel like we have so many family and other resources and connections that we're so very blessed that way. And so there's multiple ways that I think families can help. My family will be very helpful in helping around the house. I've had people that have offered to just come watch the child or sing with them, with it being his birthday. I've had people from the neighborhood even stop and say, make sure you just tell them happy birthday. And I feel very connected and very blessed to have so many people in my community that are willing to help. I always think a home cooked meal is very helpful for me. I'm not really into cooking, and so that's very helpful to me personally. But babysitting, I think tutoring can be really helpful. A lot of my kids, as I was thinking about the struggles that they go through, sometimes one of the hardest things for me is watching them struggle, them wanting to do all the things that the other kids are doing, but yet struggling with some of those basic things. And a tutor would be incredibly helpful, someone that would just go take them out. Sometimes it's not very cool if you're a 13 year old boy to have to hang out with your mom. So someone that would come and be a mentor for him would be very helpful, too. So many ways that people can help if they can't foster.
[00:11:24] Speaker A: And I've seen in our families also, the siblings can be a big help, and you might worry if you have biochildren at home. What about bringing another child in? But often the siblings can really be of great service, right?
[00:11:41] Speaker C: It's one of the most positive aspects of doing foster care for me is watching my children learn to serve unconditionally and love unconditionally and accept they're not perfect, but in my eyes, they're a lot better off having the opportunity to serve their family members. And it goes both ways. Right? I always love to tell the story of my son, who is turning 24. He's developmentally about a one year old level, but when his little brother was learning how to count, because the older one would always be on the swing saying, one, two, wee. And so his little brother learned to count that same exact way. So I think it's so great that there's so many things that he can teach us, too. It's not just us serving him. He gives back to us in so many different ways, including teaching his little brother to count, which was a neat little experience. And then we had to teach him how to do it the right way, of course, but it was cute.
[00:12:32] Speaker B: Still so sweet.
[00:12:34] Speaker D: Amy, the first story that you told about meeting your son for the first time in the hospital, one of our families that has been with our agency for, gosh, close to 30 years now as a foster parent and has fostered countless children and adopted several children as well. And her first child that she was ever matching with for placement, same thing in a hospital. The doctors kept turning her towards this other baby that also was in need of placement. And she said, but I was just drawn to this little boy. And the doctor said, he's not going to survive. You have a lot to give. And he is now a paraprofessional in a school in New York City, living independently with his partner and just far exceeding this, somebody said about him as a couple month old baby. Right. So it's those stories. But then also thinking about the family who's preparing to have a child who was previously in their care, who had really complex medical needs, they're preparing their family to bring her back home and their adopted children saying, we miss her, we want to go see her. And they're using their communication devices to share that with their parents, and they're figuring out ways to make these visits happen. And you can imagine in a hospital setting, it's like a little bit chaotic. But they're really advocating to make sure that she still remains very much a part of the family. And she's been not home for almost two years. And so they're, they're constantly trying to think of ways to keep her feeling like she's part of a family when she's had to spend so much time in a hospital. And I just think about how they were saying, she is so much more than these things that we're talking about. The foster parents just kept reminding us, and their adult children also participated in this meeting with us and their adult grandchildren to help us understand that they have these people that are really wanting her home. And it just reminds me to think more about the whole child. They are so capable of teaching us and bringing us together.
[00:14:34] Speaker B: Yeah. And one thing we're talking about today is recruiting families from the community to do this work. And those kinds of stories are just invaluable at inspiring and encouraging other families who might be interested to come forward and care for these amazing children.
[00:14:50] Speaker D: I always hear from people who are curious about whether or not they could foster. I say, you can do it if you think you can, if you're interested, if it's more about do you have the love for children? Are you ready and able to make the commitment to children? Are you flexible? It's the quality of all foster parents. Are you flexible? But also, if you're able to just open your mind to having all the possibilities in front of you, it can feel very exciting, I think, too, and.
[00:15:17] Speaker C: If I could add too, we talked a lot about adoption or having the child stay with you. One other thing that I think is beautiful is being able to have the child go back home and helping those parents understand maybe a little bit differently or in a new light than they did before the disability and how best to help their child. Because children come into care, because the families are struggling. And as you mentioned earlier, if family and parenting is hard enough, but when you add a disability to it, it makes it harder. And so a lot of times these parents are, most of the time, I would say these parents are desperately wanting to get the help that they can for their child. They want to know how to do it better. They just sometimes a lack of education. And so one of the greatest joys for me has been able to partner with those parents and really help them walk through the process, help them learn how to advocate for their child, help them learn how to maybe do some of that complex medical stuff that seemed overwhelming and scary to them at first, and now they're handling it like pros. They have the love for their child. It's just the need to walk through the steps with them.
[00:16:16] Speaker D: I'm really glad you mentioned that, Amy, because we have so many families where the foster parents become godparents to the kids, when kids return home and they remain in contact. I never imagined our relationship could be this when her child left or their child left my care. And those are also the moments that give me, because family, in my opinion, is whatever you make it right, however you want it. And so when I see these family networks forming, it's really special and it brings a lot of joy to the work, too.
[00:16:49] Speaker C: I agree. I'm getting ready to set out Mother's Day cards, and I've got like, probably ten or twelve Mother's Day cards to hand out, either to our kids biological moms or grandparents or kids that have left my home, I'm sending their parents, and it's just so wonderful. Again, another one of the great blessings of foster care is how it adds to your family. Just constantly, there's just so much love. And when we have a big family party, we really have a party because we have lots of people to invite. And I love that. I love that there's more people to care for my kids and love my kids. And I love that I get to continue to love on some of these kids as well.
[00:17:21] Speaker B: I love that. And this is a great time to think about taking advantage of things like Mother's Day to reach out and take a need to strengthen those bonds with the parents of the kids.
[00:17:30] Speaker A: In your case, Amy, you had a background, but often some of our long time foster parents find they want to expand their parameters and try it. And that can be really helpful, I would assume, in New York and Utah.
[00:17:47] Speaker D: Absolutely. I think, Liz, you mentioned at the beginning we only work with families with special health care needs, that new alternatives for children. Obviously, we won't split families apart. So if there are children who don't have any needs, we still also provide foster care and support services to siblings in all of our programs. But one of our challenges in recruiting families is that we don't have that pond of foster parents who have a lot of experience. They all have to come to us being willing to take this on. Our partner agencies in New York City, for the most part, are all agencies that have multiple programs. We just were started with this one sole mission. But one thing that we do find is that we will sometimes work with somebody who is reticent about having to care for a child with a need. They've never met somebody with that diagnosis before, something. And so we start maybe with a short respite of it, just to dip their toes in the water, see that it's not overwhelming or as scary as they may be anticipating. Just meeting kids sometimes at different agency wide events that we have, helps break that down a little bit. And sometimes people, once they've had a placement or two, feel a little bit more steady in this new role of Buzzburg because they kind of know what to expect a little bit, and then they'll say, you know, I think I could actually work with a child with more needs. Right. I find myself being really excited when I advocate for school supports or trying to find the right medical provider. And so we work with our families that way, too. We want to meet them where they are.
[00:19:22] Speaker A: Katie, you have an event coming up for our New York audience.
[00:19:25] Speaker D: We do. Thank you so much for bringing it up. We are doing our, I think we're calling it the summer sprint. We're in national foster care month now, and starting next month, the end of June, through the end of August, we will be doing a bit of an accelerated licensure process. My team is primed and ready we have lots of back to back pre certification training happening, and we're going to process paperwork, make our lives dependent on it, because we recognize that sometimes people have a little more freedom during the summer, especially people who might be working in education or families that have stay at home parents who there's just a little more flexibility in your day to day schedule so you can maybe fit in the trainings a little more easily. So you're doing that, and we're really excited to kick it off. So thank you for letting me plug that. Appreciate it.
[00:20:13] Speaker A: And where can people find more information about that?
[00:20:17] Speaker D: People can find more information on our website, which is www.nacidscan.org recruitment. Or you can just click on the Become a foster parent tab and our recruitment team will take it from there.
[00:20:32] Speaker B: We'll make sure to have that link in the show notes, too, so folks can find it there.
[00:20:36] Speaker A: How foster care has a number of special events for foster care, month two coming up. So our website is utahfostercare.org, so check that out if you live in Utah, Amy, you have been a font of great advice, and you've written a lot of things over the years for use in our publications. And there are so many ways you can influence the life of a child.
[00:21:06] Speaker C: There are, and it's really a special blessing to be able to be a small part of their success. I think the kids and the families are the ones who are ultimately putting in the majority of the work, but to be able to walk alongside them in their journey gives me a great amount of pleasure and satisfaction.
[00:21:23] Speaker B: I'm not sure if Katie's experiencing this or not, but nationally, there's a decrease in the number of families who are interested in doing foster care. And to our listeners in Utah and in New York and maybe other parts of the United States, Amy, encourage folks to do this. Katie, encourage folks do this. I'd love to hear your best pitch to. Come on, guys, let's do foster care.
[00:21:43] Speaker C: Oh, I don't know if I have a good pitch, but I have a couple cute pictures of kids that I think would be very encouraging. I just think really going back to kind of what Deborah said, I do have a background in special education, but I think you don't need a background on any particular thing. You just need the ability to love a child. It can be very scary to think about foster care and maybe the, some of the things that you've heard on tv or seen on the news, at the end of the day, it's just a child that needs to be loved. And you can figure out g tubes and you can figure out individual education plans. Those things are fairly easy. What the child needs is someone to love and a safe place to call home until they can get back home to their family or until they maybe be a permanent member of yours. If you look at the scariness of it, and I understand that part of it, absolutely. But if that's what you focus on, it will be a little bit intimidating and overwhelming. If instead, you focus on the child that needs a home and, and the fact that you as an adult have a lot of different resources, you have a lot of different supports you can access that can help you be very successful in helping this child reach their full potential.
[00:22:47] Speaker D: How do you follow that?
Oh, gosh, I think, Amy, you said it so nicely. If you have the capacity and the love in your heart, there are ways to make it work. There are ways that you can be supported through your journey. Whether it's formalized supports or family supports, you can do this. It will be the most rewarding experience of your life, enriching the life of a child. And their families need you, too. We need foster parents. We need people to become foster parents who are not just interested in helping to fix a child, but to help a family heal. It really is rewarding. I should have said this at the beginning. I am very passionate about this work because I'm also a product of the child welfare system, if you will. I was adopted in Manhattan family court. It's like full circle all these many years later. And I know personally how lives can be changed when somebody says, I want to be a parent to somebody who needs me. But I also want to support a family who needs me, too. And support isn't, you know, it doesn't have to be you spending all your time with them, but just taking good care of their kids and being there to help rebuild those bridges. So come it's not all hard. There's so much fun that comes with being a foster parent and so much reward, too.
[00:24:02] Speaker A: And when they meet someone, especially someone who was formerly in foster care, and they see how you've been successful, that must have a real impact, too.
[00:24:14] Speaker D: Absolutely.
[00:24:16] Speaker A: Thank you, everyone who has joined us today, Katie welling from New York, where she works for the new alternatives for children. And Amy Bates, a foster adoptive parent from right here in southern Utah. And Liz Rivera, our director of education for Utah foster care. And behind the scenes, our producer, Marshall Shear Davis. Remember, you don't need to know everything to be a foster parent. As we've said in this podcast, you just need to be willing to learn. For details on foster parenting and so many other ways you can get involved, go to utahfostercare.org dot. This has been fostering conversations I'm Deborah Lindner.
This has been fostering conversations with Utah foster care. Thank you for joining us. For more information, go to utahfostercare.org dot. We'll see you next time.
